break them down (the walls and my lies)
by AzureForest
Summary: Lugh was one of the three who could see through him without fail, and for once, he's glad for it. (Chad-centric.)


Chad had always been good at being honest, but that didn't mean he was a bad liar- There was no other way he'd have survived otherwise. It was simple, really, look at the other innocently, perhaps with your eyebrows raised for effect, eyebrows raised, keep your voice level, nonchalant, oblivious, maybe smile disarmingly, depending on the person, let the lies flow as if it were the most natural thing in the world- There was no way the average villager wouldn't be able to trust such a polite, young child from the orphanage next door, no way another gutter rat could see through the façade of apathy and biting, too concrete words.

But Lugh could see past the words, Ray could, Father could, he had no idea how, but it was as if they had some sort of radar on them- _Beep-beep-beep, Chad's lying_ \- And no matter how much he tried to shake them off, he could see the furrow in Ray's eyebrows, the flicker of concern in Lugh's gaze, the exasperated laugh that Father always let out as he let an excuse slide, ever patient. _The inkwell's bound to be somewhere, one of the others must've eaten the cookies, I was just at the market, it's nothing, don't worry_.

Still, his brain-to-mouth filter was horrendous at times, and so many times, before he knew it, the temporary path of lies he'd woven unraveled, but he always found himself faced with forgiveness, kind smiles, understanding, perhaps the occasional lecture, but never more, and he felt as if something more were supposed to happen- He deserved punishment for his deceit, but he supposed that if he could avoid it somehow, he would.

Then Ray disappeared, Father died, and they lost what little they had to Bern, and all he could offer the other children now was stolen food and more white lies, weak half-smiles masking his anger at Bern, at himself because he hadn't been strong enough for all of them, because he'd never paid Father back for all his kindness and caring. So he supposed that he'd have to do all that for the others _now_ , in Father's stead, to the best of his ability until the point he couldn't anymore, until all this was over, or until he breathes his last, whichever comes first.

It turned out the former came first- The Elimine Church took them in, and he remained with them until he caught wind of a Lycian resistance army marching against Bern- But he couldn't leave, no, not with the children and Lugh and the chance that Ray might come back soon.

But he went, and Lugh came along, and they never went back, instead going out to fight, for revenge in his case, maybe in the other's, too, but it probably wasn't his primary reason. Still, the memory weighed heavily on his conscience as the two sometimes sat together in candlelit corners of rooms, Chad mumbling sentences to Lugh to write down in a letter and send to Araphen, questions as to whether the others were doing well, whether or not the priests there were treating them well, reassurances that they were fine, epic, played-up versions of their own experiences to keep the children- their family- entertained. Once the mage's neat writing would fill the pages, they would personally go and send the letter with their own earnings, before they would fall back into their usual routine, ready to march the next day if need be.

Still, he couldn't keep this to himself the whole time, and he felt just a little homesick, his usual little frown growing by just a bit, but not noticeably, his brows furrowing in guilt at the oddest of moments more and more often- It was obvious Lugh was suffering, too, so at least it was a bit comforting that he wasn't in this alone.

"Are you okay?" The worried tone again- Chad briefly wondered if he should be the one asking Lugh that, not the other way around, but here they were. The thief shrugged, and he could practically hear the bells go off in the other's head as his bottom lip stuck out a little and his eyes narrowed- _Ring-ring-ring, that's a lie._

"Yeah, never better." He said anyway, mouth pressing into a thin line as he glanced away, a hand rubbing at his eye absently.

Lugh frowned, obviously not willing to back off so easily, shoulders slumping a little, the worried look still in his eyes- Not that Chad expected otherwise, Lugh never backed off anyways, but right then, just looking at him for half a second made his eyes sting and his throat constrict in a weird way, and he wanted it to _stop_. The blond pointedly turned his head away completely.

" _Chad_." A gentle hand on his shoulder _, oh Elimine_ , he thinks as he blinks rapidly, doing his best not to say anything because he can literally hear the sad smile in the other's voice and it's killing him- "C'mon, Chad."

More rapid blinking, and Chad hastily rubs his eyes again with the back of his hand as he feels the single tear hanging by his eyelashes, he isn't crying, no- And suddenly green eyes are staring at him through his blurry vision, and even though he can't really see Lugh's expression, the thought's still enough to set off a hard swallow and more blinking as he attempts to hide his face again, a hand reaching up to cover his runny nose.

Lugh's voice cracks when he starts talking again, and it's one of the worst sounds he's ever heard- "H-hey, don't cry."

"I- I'm-" The thief begins, flinching at how fake he sounds, but continuing anyways. "'m not cryin'."

The mage laughs hollowly, forcing a smile, before it turns back into a frown, nose scrunching up as his brows knit. "Yes you are."

"N-no, I-" Chad stopped, choked back a sob, squeezing his eyes shut and took a shaky breath, about to continue when he feels a pair of arms wrap around him in a half-assed hug, and he freezes, eyes wide, tears now flowing freely with nothing to stop them but the fabric of Lugh's cape, leaving behind darker spots as they melt into the mesh.

The other's voice was quiet, weak, and he felt himself unfreeze, slowly, beginning to blink again, arms raising from his sides to return the hug loosely, fingers fisting in the fabric, his grip working against the weight of his arms.

"You're n-not alone in this, you know that… Right?" Lugh asks, but Chad can't even answer anymore, his throat's closed up on him and all he can do is let out a hiccough in reply, his grip tightening, eyes still not closing completely, staring at the wall behind the other as his shoulders shake with suppressed sobs- He could feel his cloak getting damp, too, but he didn't move, didn't respond, and it was minutes later until he finally could, and his words were broken, but honest.

"I-I want t'… go h-home." Chad tries to laugh at how childish he sounds, but coughs instead and shuts up, but he can hear the other's exhale pass over his shoulder, indicating a laugh to mirror his.

"S-so do I."


End file.
